I’ve never been crazy about Valentine’s Day – and it’s certainly not due to a lack of romanticism on my part. Probably because acts of love on this day often feel forced? Or just overly-influenced by marketing and advertising? In my opinion, a candlelit dinner or a bouquet of flowers are so much more special on random/unexpected days. NOT a day that is on every printed wall calendar and every window display knocks you over the head with. Plus, this particular day ruins the dining experiences of non-Valentine’s Day participators who are trying to go out for a yummy meal. A lady friend of mine & I totally forgot what weekend it was this past weekend (i.e. precursor to VDay weekend) and tried to go out for dinner downtown on Saturday and were lucky enough to get a table at a yummy restaurant (Markethouse – go eat there!). We were fortunate; I know most restaurants get very sardines-in-a-can around this time – and really, who enjoys that?
Enough, though, with my issues with Valentine’s Day, because I’m coming across as someone who’s anti-VDay – and I’m not. I like to look at it as a day that celebrates love. And that? That, I’m up for. Bust out the heart socks folks – there’s no better day to wear them.
I LOVE love; I’m a self-accused crazy person when it comes to love. I’ve often compared myself to the guy in Moulin Rouge: “Love is like oxygen! Love lifts us up – all we need is love!”
Me personally? I’ve been in love since first grade.
I remember putting a love note (of some sort – I was a bright first grader, but still a first grader) into the locker of a boy named Jimmy. He never did acknowledge it – but that didn’t daunt me one bit. Though maybe it twisted me a little – as I’m realizing now that I spent a number of the following years showing boys I liked them by stepping really hard on their foot & running away quickly… Hmmm… Anyway, moving on! Fast forward a few years, and I was giving a love-confessing, rhyming Valentine to a boy who would later become a TV/movie star of sorts, interestingly enough. Turns out he had a girlfriend at the time (- how was I to know? This was only 3rd or 4th grade! Who did that back then??), but he did wink at me across the classroom after reading it. That moment of him winking at me and me thinking for one moment that something might of come of my Valentine? That moment will stay etched my memory forever. And yes, of course I blushed – but I was happy. (It wasn’t ‘till later that afternoon when the girl squad let me know about his GF).
I remember putting a love note (of some sort – I was a bright first grader, but still a first grader) into the locker of a boy named Jimmy. He never did acknowledge it – but that didn’t daunt me one bit. Though maybe it twisted me a little – as I’m realizing now that I spent a number of the following years showing boys I liked them by stepping really hard on their foot & running away quickly… Hmmm… Anyway, moving on! Fast forward a few years, and I was giving a love-confessing, rhyming Valentine to a boy who would later become a TV/movie star of sorts, interestingly enough. Turns out he had a girlfriend at the time (- how was I to know? This was only 3rd or 4th grade! Who did that back then??), but he did wink at me across the classroom after reading it. That moment of him winking at me and me thinking for one moment that something might of come of my Valentine? That moment will stay etched my memory forever. And yes, of course I blushed – but I was happy. (It wasn’t ‘till later that afternoon when the girl squad let me know about his GF).
Things only got worse from there. Crushes all over the place. A cute boy in my choir held my heart for a long, long time… (and to this day I’m STILL a’swoon for any guy who can sing). A few years later in junior high, a dark-haired Irish boy at my Catholic grade school became the lucky recipient of my affection; I remember one of my best friends and I used to “talk” about him using the sign language alphabet when we were bored in Science Class… I was such a dork :) But, actually, the junior high years were actually some of my best “boy” years, now that I think about it. As I slowly had to accept that my love for Irish boy was unrequited, I started to notice a little attention from other boys. I even had a “boyfriend” for a week or two at one point. And I clearly remember a certain Valentine’s Day in 7th or 8th grade when I got gifts from TWO different boys… One gave me a rose and the other gave me some Fannie Mae chocolates. Nothing much came from it all, no blossoming romances or anything – I may have still been slightly hung up on the Irish boy, but I DO remember feeling pretty awesome that day. God bless boys who fall in love and actually do something about it. I wish I’d at least given them each a kiss on the cheek. Hindsight’s 20/20…
High school… I had my first kiss, which actually was pretty great [4th of July at fireworks!] – but otherwise, high school was mostly a mess for me and love. I dated my good friend’s brother for a little while – which I know she didn’t love, but was a good sport about. Then, I almost dated a guy who was in Show Choir with me [yes, my coolness factor is surely impressing you paragraph by paragraph] – but he was a little… different… really intense and it scared me, so I blew him off. I guess I still feel guilty about that… Especially because, in hindsight, again – he had way more courage and self-awareness than most boys I’ve EVER liked… But I wasn’t ready. I was ready, though, to fall head over heels for a cute, cute actor boy who didn’t know what he wanted from me… That lasted a few years. Not necessarily the healthiest relationship I’ve had in my life; but it certainly kept me distracted (to put it lightly) for a few years till it was time for college. And I DID get to kiss him once, for the record.
Which segues perfectly into college, where I pretty much made out with half the school. I was smart enough to limit most of my indiscretions to making out – and thank God, as lots of the boys from my college days were… well, let’s just say… they weren’t winners.
Thankfully, too, this streak was short lived – and finally, in my 3rd year of college, I met someone who taught me more about amazing, healthy love than I’ve ever learned from anyone else. My first serious relationship; I will leave out any more details about this person since this was a significant part of my life, they are an amazing person, and well, this is a public forum :) I will also leave out details of the relationship that followed… which was also significant, though not as healthy. You can safely add, though, about 6 years of committed relationships to my resume – that info I can give you.
And here we have it… today. I’m closing in on 1 ½ years of singledom – and am proud to say I’ve reached an awareness in my life that I wish I’d come to a long time ago. I’ve spent hours/days/weeks of my life thinking of ways to show my love for different people… I’ve written countless love letters [handwritten, mind you – I’m serious about being a romantic]; I’ve made tons of mix tapes & mix CDs; I’ve made phone calls, sent emails & texts… concocted a million romantic gestures… I’ve put my heart on the line and made many a journey in the name of love.
Love IS worth all those things – all that time and energy. I believe that wholeheartedly… but the truth is, I am in no state to love anyone until I love myself. I know that sounds simple – cliché… but the realization came for me when I ended my last relationship – and saw in my history how many of my past actions reflected self-hate, self-inadequacy, self-unlove. NOT okay… And never again. My current single journey has been well spent; I’ve worked and worked and worked on myself – and the work isn’t done, but it has been great to see some progress as of late. I can tell I love myself a whole lot more than I ever used to. I look forward to when I can be in a relationship in the future, and still see self-love written in all of my actions. I treasure the realization I’ve finally come to: that love and self-love can, and should, co-exist. For some reason I thought they were mutually exclusive.
I’m happy to say that I am ready to start dating (- and if you know of any eligible, young bachelors – you should definitely send them my way)… but not tonight. Tonight, I will be celebrating Valentine’s Day with my cat and a glass of wine – two things that have been there for me through it all… tears and smiles, alike. And I’ll also celebrate it by posting this. It’s been quite a journey, but I’m still head over heels in love… with love. And maybe with myself, too. In fact, this might be the first love letter I’ve ever written to myself. ’Bout damn time…
bravo! that was fantastic! you are a brilliant writer! :-)
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