Medusa

The only thing worse than being angry, is being angry at yourself.  There’s no one else to blame – there’s no one else to potentially step forward first and apologize – and worst, when you’re mad at yourself, you can’t take breaks from the anger or avoid it.  You can’t escape yourself.

I’ve been thinking lately about the Greek mythology story of Medusa.  She was a monster so ugly, that if you looked directly at her you would turn to stone.  When finally she was defeated, she was beheaded by a man who used the reflection of his shield to see her without looking at her directly. 

I wonder, sometimes, how brave it really is to deal with problems in an indirect way like that.  It’s better than not dealing with them at all, yes – but at this point, aren’t we all old enough to know ourselves; shouldn’t we be able to look at ourselves with complete honestly and not be wounded by what we see?  When I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see – it may hurt, but will it go so far as to turn me to stone?  I don’t think so… I would like to think that no matter the issue, no matter the flaw – nothing within myself should be paralyzing. 

But sometimes it is.  

And that is hard to admit… that something within yourself, something that has nothing to do with the rest of the world, that is within you – that is there no matter where you run, no matter how you dress or style your hair – there are certain things within yourself that are so ugly or so broken or so scary, that they can be paralyzing.  It’s overwhelming to think about because while we know the world is full of scary, bad things – home and self are supposed to be safe zones.  To realize that the things that can affect your life in the worst way are things rooted deep within yourself?  That is terrifying.  That is paralyzing.

I hate it.  I’ve faced a lot of inner-demons in my day, and have exorcized enough of them to feel rather proud of both myself and the progress of my journey.  But even in the best of times, there can be a string of events that help you see a demon still hiding very much within yourself, and bam – the self-confident and happy person you are takes a back seat. 

So let’s just lay it all out there, shall we?  Maybe with your help, dear reader, as my witness – maybe I can face Medusa head-on:

I disrespect myself all the time in my life.  Certain scenarios, certain people… distract me/throw me off, to the point where I forget my worth, my value – and I act in ways that shame me.  I put others before myself.  I put others needs before my own.  I forget what my needs are.  I forget what is good for me and what isn’t.  I binge: I binge on food, on TV shows… I binge on attention.  I get lazy and lethargic.  I lose my inner voice – I lose the will to do things in my free time that would set my life in a healthy, forward motion.  I get overwhelmed by tasks on my to-do list and procrastinate on doing them, which of course makes things worse and more overwhelming in the future.  I take on more stress than a person should, and certainly more than I have to.  I overanalyze – I try to figure out what other people are thinking… when honestly, other people’s thoughts are none of my business. 

The worst of it all is that I’m very judgmental and demanding of myself.  I’m taught that being loving and understanding and patient with oneself is the key to growth and happiness… but it’s hard to switch a mentality like that after many years on the planet, in a certain mindset. 

But in the spirit of growth, let’s try it.  I can’t be mad at myself for the things that are just plain inside me.  They’re there – they were put there, either by God or by myself – likely a mixture of both… and I have the choice to ignore them or deal with them.  Dealing with them is upsetting, uncomfortable, scary, depressing – and can result in temporary paralysis… but at least that work helps me rid myself of things within me that truly aren’t me.  Helps get me closer to the person I was born to be and have the life I want to have.  In the last couple years, I’ve faced Medusa head-on more than any other years in my life to date.  Quite literally, I’ve been at battle.  A violent battle – some attacks have been planned, some in reaction to ambush – all with wounds and sores and healing time required. 

My mom once paraphrased a quote to me:

“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of the things that aren’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.”

Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?  The reason it’s hard, the reason it’s painful – is that even if we don’t like the person we are – we’re used to them.  We’re comfortable with them.  To get the life you want, to become the person you’re destined to be – you literally have to cut out the unhealthy parts of yourself.  It sounds violent because it is.  The things within us that we hate have been there a long time, and they have roots.  Life without them is about as scary as life would be to keep them.  But worth the pain and the effort, tenfold. 

So Medusa, I see you.  I acknowledge you.  I have been fighting you and will continue to fight you for as long as it takes.  I also love you.  Which is why it’s a battle.  It’s a battle of the heart, of the mind, of will, of endurance, of love. 

But I know every effort is worth it.  And one day, a day not too far – I will be able to put down my shield, look in the mirror – and all I will see is Helen of Troy.