faith and fairy dust: Tattoos

Tattoos are fascinating.

Permanence. Body-modification. Art.

But more, really...

Rebellion.

Because you're not "supposed" to get them - not if you're a good kid. People believe you can't trust yourself with a decision today that can impact you the rest of your life, through all the changes you're going to undergo: mentally, physically, emotionally. People believe you can't trust that you're going to still like how you look, years down the road - just because something seems like a good idea right now. Tattoos are too reckless - too rash, too naive, too impulsive.

And well, there's the pain. If the social taboo / the fear of permanence doesn't stop you - often the pain - the needles! - WILL.

The thing is: I kind of love tattoos. I also fear them - and certainly I've judged others for them. I wish that weren't the case, but I want my writings to be about truth. It's hard to have a set opinions about tattoos - because there are so many kinds of them out there. Awesome ones. Lame ones. Disturbing ones. They run the gamut - as do my opinions on them... Mostly, though, I love them.

I love tattoos, because to me, they tell a powerful story...
They tell a story about where you once were in your life: what was important to you / what you found beautiful / what you NEEDED to etch into your soul, your very being - no matter the pain. I love that they are irresponsible and reckless - I love that they represent the contingent of people who believe in living for today.

Do I personally believe you should put a ton of thought into a tattoo before getting it? Yes. Do I believe a tattoo should be SUPER meaningful? Yes. But that's just my relationship with tattoos; another thing I love about them is how versatile they are - how each person's relationship with them is different. And honestly, as much as I tout the beliefs of having them be well-thought-out and significant, there's really only so much future fail-safing that you can do, because the most thought-out decision at the time of a tattoo is inarguably less mature a decision made any day afterwards in one's life, because theoretically we're all maturing more and more as each day passes. For some people, that's the reason not to get a tattoo. For me, it's part of the beauty.

I have one tattoo currently. I got it when I graduated college - and I meant for it to be a tribute to my life-to-date (birth through college graduation), as I ventured into the next phase of my life. Post-college life is a scary thing, because it's the first part of your life that isn't charted out for you. I was full of so many emotions at that time of my life: proud of what I'd survived thus far, proud of my accomplishments, starting to really VALUE good friendships and family, anxious about the future, anxious about the self-work I knew I still had ahead of me before I'd ever be able to like myself... I was hopeful, dreaming, worrying... so many things. I was 21. I was an age of significance, at a life-marker of significance - and at the risk of sounding dangerously like a Britney Spears song, I was somewhere between childhood and womanhood. What was there to do, other than get a tattoo? Nothing.

A friend I'd made during college who was quickly becoming one of my dearest friends (and is to this day ♥) helped me draw up what I wanted to do. My whole life, I'd loved fairies - especially books with flower fairies in them. As a little girl, I'd flip through my flower fairy books happily: There was the Rose Fairy, the Lily of the Valley Fairy, the Lilac Fairy, etc... But, I was named after the flower the Hollyhock - and none of my girlhood books ever contained a Hollyhock Fairy. So my friend helped me create one, for my tattoo. Thus, the Hollyhock Fairy was born out of the magic of friendship, and I got her tattooed on my lower back.

It hurt. And it took FOREVER. But I took it like a champ. I picked the lower back because it seemed like a decent-sized canvas, and I figured I'd never get sick of it because it wouldn't be constantly in my line of vision. Plus, it was a concealable location for real life scenarios when having a tattoo might not be appropriate.

Now, almost eight years later... Do I have regrets about my tattoo? Do I wish I had done it differently? Absolutely yes to both questions. I wish I'd thought more about the colors I wanted before going - I wish I'd done more detail-work on the face of the fairy before committing... I wish I'd looked at more tattoo artists before going to the one that I did. I wish I'd thought more about size and location of the tattoo... But see - that's the beauty of my tattoo... The Hollyhock Fairy tattoo represents many things. It reminds me of my childhood, but it also rights certain wrongs from my childhood, just by existing - because NOW there is a Hollyhock Fairy. She may not have been in my childhood fairy books - but the magic of a friendship helped make her real, years later. She represents my mother's love for me - as my mother is the one who named me after the flower the Hollyhock. She [back to the tattoo] also represents my own personal magic, and my own personal journey - that I'd truly only just begun at the time I got her inked. The Hollyhock Fairy tattoo shouldn't be perfect, because the girl who made the decision about the tattoo was far from perfect herself. And my tattoo will forever be a tribute to THAT girl... the girl, who at 21... graduating college, had so much more to learn about life, about herself... who was worth being celebrated and remembered at such a significant point in her life. I love her. I cry for her, I laugh for her, I thank her.

[I breathe...]

This tattoo is especially on my mind, because this past weekend, I found out from a tattoo artist that I have some options in altering her - specifically her face - that I didn't think I had. The one thing I've really WISHed I could change about the tattoo was the face - the artist sort of messed it up while doing it - and I'd like to make it prettier and better fit the rest of the tattoo. A few years ago I was told that I'd have to get the face laser-ed if I wanted to do anything with it... but this weekend I found out there was a way that didn't involve that. Immediately, I found myself in a tattoo chair starting a two-part process to see what can be done to "fix" her face, just a bit.

Eight years of maturity doesn't make tattoos hurt any less - that I can say. Though a very short procedure this weekend, I actually ended up fainting afterwards - something my 21 year old self didn't do! I'm hoping that doesn't happen when I go in for Part 2... but you know what? If it does, it does. I'm not going to let fear or pain stop me from making something better in my life. Plus, my heart is so familiar with pain at this point in my life - maybe it's glad for quick reprieve of it - even if it's just for a tattoo-altering length of time.

As I think more and more about all of this, it's easy to draw some parallels. Like getting a tattoo-altered, it's similarly quite hard to change oneself - a project I've been working intensely on for all of my twenties, but am only now starting to see small results. At this point, I'll take whatever progress I can get - no matter how small.

So, it seems right that I do this slight alteration to the Hollyhock Fairy tattoo now, at this point in my life - because, first of all, it's possible - and because she deserves to reflect more of her beauty, if I can give it to her. Wish me luck on this journey.

I could tell you more about tattoos that friends of mine have - their stories and journeys and what they represent - and I'd like to, because there are certainly some that have made an impression on me... But those stories are not mine to tell. I can say that I know I will get more tattoos in my lifetime - at least one more, for sure, later this year when I turn 30. I know I will need a milemarker - a breadcrumb - a tribute, as I hit that age. And I have many more in my head, bouncing around... waiting to see if they'll get a chance to show me their magic - or if they'll stay muses in my head. Only time will tell...

In the meantime, here's my girl - in her flawed beauty and magic: