The Rip Van Winkle Effect

[February 15, 2012]

When we say things like, "time stopped" - usually we're being dramatic, making a point.  But the phenomenon of feeling time suspended can actually happen.  It's happened to me three times now... while in the company the same person.  

What do I mean?  I mean that hours feel like minutes - I mean that for once, my crazy brain which is usually focused on five million things at once, is so focused on this person drawing me in, that I don't notice my surroundings the way I normally do... that I don't think to look at my phone, or my watch, or a clock... I don't think about other things I could or should be doing.  When finally outside forces require me to "come to" - such as the establishment around me closing - I realize, and am shocked, at how long I've spent in this person's company.  

I've never felt this before.

And I don't know how I feel about it.  
It's tantalizing, to be sure.  In fact, the pure nature of it - that it's a new experience for me, that I've felt attraction so many times before in my life but never this kind... intrigues me.  But I fear it, too.  

Stories and fables from my childhood come to mind.  Stories of people stumbling upon a magic that gets them stuck in time without their realizing it - only to emerge years later, the world around them having moved on.  Rip Van Winkle - following strangers up a hill, drinking their brew, falling into a magic sleep of twenty years, and waking up with a long white beard.  The lore of fairy circles: a person who joins the dancing of a fairy circle may get stuck dancing for years on end and not know it.  I think of these stories now, and find it strange to be able to relate.  I've also read stories of people finding their way into fairyland, and whenever they finally later find their way out, again, time has moved quickly past them while they were absent.  

So can you blame me for feeling a bit of danger?  But then again, it's not all I feel.  I feel a sense of desire, of wanting more of this feeling... those feelings are very strong.  Who is this man, that he can create this feeling in and around me?  Might I have found another magical being in this jaded world?  And if so, is he a companion, a compatriot?  Or is he the dark side to my light coin, and not in a good way?

Because while I can (and do) romanticize the situation - is it really unlike the idea of a snake using hypnosis to charm its victim before poisoning them?  A power and a personality such as this could be used for good or evil... or, unrealized, could be used in whatever untrained way it manifests itself.  Though I do not think my charmer is an unrealized soul.

I feel foreboding, darkness, mystery... I feel magic, intrigue... I feel like the Disney movie version of Sleeping Beauty - following an eerie light into a dark chamber, with a spindle... 

I want to know him.  I want to be close to him, and not just in a physical way.  I want to be in his mind, and have him in mine.  I want to know if he is good or bad for me.  And part of me doesn't even care which it is.  I relate to Bella falling for Edward the vampire... I relate to Christine falling for the Phantom of the Opera.  "Angel of Music" rings in my ears, hauntingly.  I see and hear the concern of those who care about me... and I think to myself "They don't know, they don't know."  

I would end this here - but I don't want to concern my reader.  That said, there are no answers for me to find - not today.  Only time will tell.

And honestly - isn't any romantic relationship - good, bad, or other - a suspension of time?  The whole time you spend in a relationship is time in your life that you can't get back - time you weren't spending with another person, for example.  Is it with maturity that you start seeing how grave the matter of time really is?  That it's precious, and you can't get it back, not ever?  

I've spent years with the wrong people.  Some of them SO wrong, that I am saddened at how my younger self couldn't see it.  And none of those wrong people, none of them made me feel like this.  In fact, the positive viewing of my situation is that for once I'm feeling present and in the moment, when I am in his company.  It's often hard for me to feel that way - to be able to allocate so much of my brain to one thing, at one time.  And afterwards, after we part - I'm still so caught up... but as I sift through my thoughts, I start learning new things about myself.  His words echo in my head... my feelings and thoughts keep bubbling, like too much bubble bath in a tub... and as I do my best to restrain myself, to keep myself from crawling out of my own skin - as it finally subsides... I'm left with all this new insight into myself.  I'm not at peace, no, but I'm a bit calmer, and definitely wiser.  

In romance, I'm used to being the teacher, the person helping the other grow... It's such a change to feel myself growing - I just wish I knew if that's what was really going on.  Is the idea of me growing just me romanticizing a situation in which I'm being pulled into something unhealthy?  Something that is challenging me because it's wrong?  It's dark, it's evil, it's going to jeopardize my well-being?  Or is his dark shroud simply a protection?  Simply a thicket of briar I need to fight through?  I don't believe the work of a relationship - the fighting through briars - is only the work of the prince.  Me being the woman does not exempt me from challenge - I fully believe in being willing to fight for the love of my life.  I just wish I knew which this was.  All I know is, I can't leave it to the wayside until it's clear to me.