It’s the age old “grass is greener” questioning. Traveling is bittersweet, because when you find a place in the world you love, it’s hard to know: should you drop everything and move there? Or do you keep it a paradise to visit once in a blue moon? Such locations for me are Key West, Paris, and San Francisco. I’m in San Fran currently, and will say hi to my friend Paris in May.
I was wandering around sweet, sweet San Fran yesterday with a gentleman friend who lives here, and we had an interesting discussion.
I said, “SO. Here’s the question. I love it here, but would I love it as much if I moved here and it was my everyday life?” He didn’t really answer my question, nor was he supposed to, but he pointed out that San Francisco isn’t necessarily real life. It’s a bit too idyllic and unique in a number of ways. But then again he’s lived here for 5 years, so how bad can fake life be? I suppose “bad” isn’t the right word… maybe how one’s self is best served is the better question. And to keep with the internal debate, MAYBE reality is whatever you choose it to be. Me? I’ve been accused (both by others and by self) of ignoring reality / living in fantasy often enough, that maybe I might as well live in fantasy land. You know?
Life is full of big questions for me right now. Am I following my bliss as well as I could be? Shouldn’t a few more doors have opened for me by now, if I truly were? Which is not to say I’m unhappy with my life – a co-worker who is developing into a dear friend was talking me through some frustration the other day and said, “Don’t you like your life?” Well yes, of course I do. I am blessed in many, many ways. And I have some of the best friends on the planet. So am I just failing to live in the moment? Failing to appreciate what I have? Or is it an okay balance, just a bit of ambition and drive to better oneself/better my life that I’m feeling right now. How do you know if you are yearning for what you deserve or if you’re not appreciating what you have. When are you being unrealistic and when are you settling? I feel like Carrie Bradshaw with all these questions :) Haha. But the questions are here, whether or not I type them, so I may as well type them.
I dunno… I guess 2012 has left me unsettled enough so far that I’m contemplating a leap of some sort. Not anything solidified yet, but it’s there.
So I think a result of the trip I’m on right now will be me going home and tearing up my apartment – reorganizing, cleansing, prettifying. Granted, it’s all talk right now :) Hahaha. But I think that will help, because I could like my home a lot more than I do – and feng shui makes more sense than people give it credit for. So there – something productive I can do to like my current life more – and see what doors it opens, maybe even just in my mind.